“I seriously hope you’re not trying to lose weight.” That’s the alarmed response I’d typically get whenever I told someone I was doing a Whole30. My typical response would be “Oh God no! I’m just trying to create new habits.”
If I had been honest, I would have told people the truth. I’m afraid I drink too much and that right now, well, trying a Whole30 is the only way that I know how to quit. I easily drank two Revolution Anti-Hero IPAs a night, surprised at how fast the first one went down. But sometimes, I drank more. On the weekends I could easily drink 4. Then, over time, I’d want to start earlier. Like at 4 or 3 or lunch. Or if work got stressful I’d think “Why not start on the train?” I thought I only grabbed a train beer once in a while until I walked up to the bar at Union Station and got carded. To which the other bartender replied, “She’s a regular!” My cheeks flushed red. But instead of cutting back, running to the train, and finding my seat, I just went to the other bar. Then, my train ride was so fast, I would find myself sitting on a bench finishing upmy beer so I wouldn’t have to throw it away. Was I a woman sitting on a street bench drinking, alone? I’d leave notes on my phone like “I drank too much again. This is me lying on the couch because my stomach hurts. Because I’m tired. Savannah’s birthday party starts in 20 minutes. This is day one. #SoberCindy.” Was that me? Yes. Yes, it was and it’s for sure not who I wanted to be.
But with all the Whole30s, the Dry Januarys, the Sober Octobers, and all the willpower could only take me so far. I’d make it 30 days. Or 45. Then cave. Months flew by. Then, I'd start over. Then cave again. Inevitably, I’d end up right back where I was, drinking every night. Facing the endless cycle of waking up, feeling ashamed, saying I won’t drink that night, followed by the clock hitting 5 and telling myself one drink was no big deal. It was mental gymnastics that played out the same routine day in, and day out. Only my I was getting fit, I was getting sloppy.
So I joined Tempest started by Holly Whitaker author of Quit Like a Woman and I made it a record 5 months without drinking. Then, I started drinking again because clearly I can make it 5 months, I’m fine.
Until I drank too much on the 4th of July and went to one of those IV Health Spas to get over my hangover the next day. Now, I’m on the Reframe app and I’m determined to make it 1 year. This is me, at day 7, holding myself accountable. I sit in online meetings and meet other men and women who have the same challenges and feel the same loneliness. Seeing their humanity helps me see mine. Hearing them cheer me on helps me cheer myself on. Knowing how many times they think they had it under control sounds just like me. Hearing their honesty and cheering their wins. That is what has delighted me the most is the ability to see myself really joyful and truly relishing in the joy of other people’s success. That hasn’t always felt possible. Now it does. (Plus, the clear skin is not a myth. See the picture above.)
